The Fight

It is 4:15 am.

I was up with the baby half an hour ago and she has since gone back to bed.

I have not.

I can't sleep. I am restless. I am worried. I am not at peace.

And I am thinking that maybe I really should quit facebook after all.

Many of your newsfeeds have been "blowing up" with that sneaky little red equals sign. Many have equally been blowing up with links to the LDS church newsroom or the Proclamation to the World on the family. And then there are those seeking to avoid the whole thing by posting pictures of bacon.

And I would like to think there is a fourth category: people like me, maybe. Those who would like to stand up and say what they believe but feel that a picture of a man and a woman, the same kind you see outside of bathrooms, is not the correct or proper way to convey a feeling on such a heated topic. And those that can see that a simple equals sign means much more than it seems to mean. And those who know that a link to the Proclamation on the Family isn't going to make anyone change an opinion, regardless of how you may feel about the words coming straight from God.

I know what I believe. I know what I support. Does it really matter if I post it on facebook or not?

Perhaps.

But perhaps not. Perhaps there are other ways for me to express an opinion. And I would hope that my living words and actions are enough to show my "friends" what I stand for. I would hope that those of my friends who do support LGBT marriage will still consider me a friend even though I do not, but it sure doesn't sound like it. So I refrain from posting my opinion, knowing if I did that perhaps some out there will think of me as just another blindly-led Mormon sheep.

I am not, nor have I ever been, blindly led.

And yet, I am still not niave enough to think that mine is the only opinion that matters. That mine is the only belief system that is correct. That my morals and standards are the be-all, end-all for everybody. The discouraging thing about this fight is that there is no level playing field to begin with--and because everybody has their own definition of "right" and "wrong" there is no way to truly come to an understanding. Because something that I believe may be true for me may not be true for you. It's like that old color argument/philosophy: what if what I perceive as blue is what you perceive as green? There is no way to know for sure. So we continue fighting for what we believe in, even when it is about as successful as a football game played on the side of Mt. Everest.

And I realized, as I lay there next to my snoring husband, that I am tired of all the fighting.

I also realized, it is never going to stop.

And I also came to the understanding that there is no way to take a time-out from this fight.

You see, it isn't just one thing. It isn't just the LGBT fight. It's the modesty fight. It's the keeping my home clean from inappropriate media and pornography fight. It's the push for women's rights without destroying the family. It's the fight to feel of worth because I'm a stay-at-home mom. It's teaching my child correct values and principles and then mustering up enough courage to sit back and let her make mistakes and learn from them. It's the fight to keep my marriage strong despite all the outside forces opposing us.  It's the fight to keep my family together. It's the fight to remember who I am, where I come from, and why I am here.

And some days it is a fight, within myself, just to decide where I stand.

And when it becomes too much, when I think I can't do it anymore, when I feel like giving up, I remember One who, on His hands and knees underneath the olive trees, begged for relief. And I remember that He didn't give up. He continued to trust in His Father. He continued to love the sinners without supporting the sin. He finished His fight on earth, did what He came here to do, and was resurrected. But he isn't finished. He continues, for us, to fight.

And so must we continue to fight for Him.

So battle on, friends.