I've been thinking about how I eat cereal for breakfast and a PB&J for lunch almost everyday, and how even though I feel like I probably should add variety, in the end that's what I want to eat and there is no one to tell me I can't, so Honey Nut Cheerios and strawberry jam it is. Every day.
I've been thinking about how I keep moving all day long, like a soccer ball in a scoreless match, so in sync with the needs of my family that I do things almost without even noticing that I'm doing them, like refilling sippy cups and picking up toys and stacking books so they don't get stepped on and switching the wash and shutting toilet lids and asking all the learning questions. "What sound does the letter a make? How many chicken nuggets are left on your plate? What shape is your blanket? How many people are in our family?"
There is so much monotony in my life, but every day is different. And it's the little moments that I love the most, like Sly coming in to my room with sleepy eyes and climbing in to bed with me and asking, "how are your dreams today, Mommy?" Or Kevin saying her bedtime prayers as fast (and repetitively) as she can so we can read a few pages of Ramona the Pest before she goes to sleep. Or that heavenly, exhausted feeling of answering the cry of an infant, who will stop as soon as she feels my hand touch her body and my voice say, "You're okay, baby, Mommy is here." And then I lift her into my arms and she snuggles into my chest and we both feel complete.
A few years ago I wrote a post entitled "The Happiest I've Ever Been." I didn't know then that a two-year long battle with antepartum and postpartum depression was about to ensue. I quickly went from the happiest I'd ever been to the saddest I'd ever been, and the only thing that had really changed about my life were my hormone levels. I'm still dealing with the effects of that era. I'm not sure my battle with depression is over, but I do know that there is help. I'm still taking medication and luckily, it is working.
Sometimes I ask myself if I'm happy because of the pills.
The answer is no.
I'm happy because there is joy in what I choose to do everyday, even when it means wiping syrup off of faces, washing the same "magic blanket" I washed two days ago because it is the only one that gets the baby to sleep, and listening to Sly and Kevin fight over toys, yelling, "That's not bery nice!" I know that in a few minutes they'll be begging each other to go play in the playroom and the fight will be forgotten.
There is joy in the two-year-old walking down the stairs and asking, "What are you holding, Mom? Oh yeah. A wonderful baby."
There is joy in Kevin having the magic touch and being able to instantly calm her baby sister while I make a bottle or kiss Sly's owie.
There is joy in their happy cries and sudden bouts of jumping when the garage door starts to open and "Daddy's HOME! Mommy, Daddy's home!"
There is joy in hearing little voices say, "Mom, I wuv you."
There is joy in the silence that comes after all three kids are tucked in bed...usually because it has taken hours to achieve that quiet peace that means we survived another day.
There is joy in knowing that this is where God intends for me to be at this point in my life. There is joy in finding ways for my family to succeed.
I was happy when it was just Kevin and me, but no longer is that period "the happiest I've ever been." That time is now.
Because of the bumps and bruises of the past four years, I know a greater happiness now because I've been through greater sorrow. Life is rarely perfect, and contrary to how this post may sound, there comes a point in almost every day where I email Scott and tell him I'm selling our kids (at least the two oldest, we still are reveling in the baby around here!). There is mess and chaos and broken furniture and thirty-minute long time outs and a fussy baby and never enough sleep. I know there are challenges ahead (cough *potty training* cough). I know I won't always be on this newborn honeymoon high.
But I'm going to enjoy it for as long as it lasts, because this is the happiest I've ever been.
