A Day in the Trenches

Yesterday morning, my mom sent me an email asking me to share the day with her by emailing her and "chronicling all the things we do in a day that wouldn't happen if we didn't do them." 

I'm an Aggie, so I've been trained to meet a challenge. This is what I did yesterday.


11:11AM
Woke up and got Scott off to work
Wished a friend happy birthday on Facebook
Checked blood sugar and took medicine
Put a second coat of paint on the chalkboard wall 



Got Sly up
Got us both breakfast
Played with him for a long time
Put him back to bed
Loaded the dishwasher
Wrote a birthday card
Worked on a family project for the Fowlers
Cuddled Kevin after she woke up
Got her breakfast
Tracked down the air pump and blew up the swimming pool
Cleaned up the breakfast spills from while I was outside
Took Kevin to the bathroom
Got her ready to go swim
Got Sly up again


Changed a poopy diaper
Got Sly and I ready to swim
Sunscreen for everyone




12:37PM

Took the kids swimming


Came in
Got everyone dressed
Hung up the wet clothes
Emailed Daddy
Instagrammed the experience and sent new pictures to family frames
Got us all water to re-hydrate
Snack time


Emailed my sister-in-aw back about the family project
Finished eating Kevin's breakfast
Gave Sly more food
Opened the baby gate for Kevin 
Dance party in the kitchen with Sly


1:08PM
Took the kids downstairs
Put up the baby gate and moved the broom so Sly wouldn't eat it
Did an art project with Kevin
Read two books to the kids
Broke up a fight over a basketball
Saved Sly's life half a dozen times
Sent Kevin up to use the bathroom
Put Sly in the jumper so he wouldn't eat anything off the floor while I was upstairs with his sister
Checked on Kevin, who decided she didn't need to go after all



1:40PM
Helped Kevin change her clothes since she didn't like the ones she had picked earlier
Put in a movie for her
Put Sly down for a nap
Sorted laundry
Started laundry
Checked my blood sugar again and made a mental note to call the doctor
Took three loads of junk back downstairs where it belongs
Picked up the family room
Answered a dozen "why?" Questions from Kevin
Swept the family room
Sat down to cuddle with Kevin and watch her movie with her
Checked and responded to emails

2;27PM
Took a 20 min rest
Helped Kevin go potty
Picked up my bathroom
Started picking up the living room
Helped Kevin change into outfit #3
Turned off the movie that she had stopped watching 20 minutes ago
Got a puzzle down for her so I could unload the dishwasher
Told her she couldn't have another snack
Explained that some elephants have tusks and others don't and the fact that cows don't eat people, people eat cows
Fixed her hair clip again
Realized unloading the dishwasher wasn't going to happen and helped her with the alphabet train puzzle

3:03PM
Taught Kevin about "big" letters and "little" letters
Put away the puzzle
Read a story to Kevin
Emailed Scott
Texted two friends
Planned BBQ menu for a friend's  moving party tomorrow
Took Kevin to the potty again
Went in to see why Sly woke up screaming
Gave him cuddles and distracted him by taking selfies on my phone
Caught him before he crawled out of the room
Started playtime in Kevin's room
Moved her garbage out of his reach

3:38 PM
Broke up several fights in the process of playing in Kevin's room
Went downstairs intending to switch the wash
Got distracted pulling the painter's tape off the chalk wall
Listened to both children banshee screaming 
Washed out a bottle and made a new one for Sly
Rescued screaming children
Fed Sly a bottle
Fixed a toy for Kevin

3:55PM
Switched the wash
Folded the load in the dryer and took it upstairs
Rescued library book from Sly's clutches
Told Kevin to go in the bathroom after she told me she pooped in her underwears
Found out that she lied and had a little talk about that
Put away the clean linens and hung up the line dry laundry
Got her a new pair of underwear anyway
Cleaned up the mess of hair stuff from when I asked her to bring me a ponytail holder this morning
Talked to her about choking hazards and little brothers
Pulled Sly out of the kitchen
Fished dried waffle crumbs out of his mouth
Blocked off the kitchen with a barstool
Rescued another library book from Sly

3:57PM
Rescued Sly and discovered the barstool trick doesn't work anymore


4:36PM
Gave a poop pep talk
Saved Sly again
Took Sly "flying" then became a human trampoline
Helped Kevin get dressed again after she decided she didn't want to go potty
Played the piano to try and distract them
Cleaned up Sly's spit up
Played the piano with Sly on my lap
Practiced the piano a a few more minutes and tried to plan Primary sharing time in my head
Broke up a few fights
Worked on Scott's birthday surprises
Breathed a sigh of relief when Scott walked in the door an hour earlier than anticipated


At the end of the day, my mom sent me this email:
" Now you have reinforcements. This has been fun to share the day with you. Have to admit I had ulterior motives. I needed someone to share the day with but most importantly I wanted you to see how full and valuable your days are. I guarantee that no one can do what you do and do it as beautifully as you do it....Your trenches are so much more important than a novel or a clean bathroom. Take it from me. I have navigated the trenches and it is worth it!"

I wanted to have a record of this day and this experience. Friday was a pretty typical day for me: by 2:00 I was tired and by 3:30 I wanted to give my kids away. This record doesn't show the emotional ups and downs. It doesn't reflect how I fell asleep with tears on my face the night before, wondering what the heck I was doing with my life and if I was using my time to do anything worthwhile. Most days I don't feel like much of a mother. For someone who was once used to excelling at everything she did, feeling like I'm floundering on a daily basis is beyond difficult, especially since motherhood is my life these days. There just isn't time or energy for anything else, as much as I wish I could be writing and publishing the stories flying around in my head.

My health has been crazy for the past few weeks. I'm not sure what is going on, if this chronic fatigue can be chalked up to my faulty body or the fact that I have two extremely active children and get literally no breaks during the day (except to use the bathroom maybe once, for thirty seconds, because I fully believe that everyone is entitled to use the bathroom without an audience). In the process of trying to figure out my body and my head and my life, I've come to some realizations.

Although my diabetes is something that gets put on the backburner most days, I can't ignore the fact that it has dictated my life for the past six years, in both good and bad ways. It changed the shape and speed of my mission, it led to my marriage to Scott, changed our family planning to have a baby earlier than what we had planned, defined my motherhood career. I don't have energy for a side job, or the career I once thought I wanted. This is what I am doing with my life these days. And although it is hard to be okay with that, I am beyond grateful that my diabetes took away the option of "something on the side" and led me to making my family my main focus.

I think sometimes, it is hard to see the war--or even the battle--when you are fighting from the trenches. All you see are sandbags. All you feel is sand and grit and exhaustion. Sometimes, you risk peeking your head above the walls to see the horizon and try and place yourself in the grander scheme of things, and inevitably you fail.

That's because it's not your job to plan the battle or singlehandedly win the war. Leave that to the General.

All He asks us to do is man the trenches.

Watchful unto Prayer

Kevin has known how to pray for months now. The trouble is, she has put up a big fight about saying any prayer, even with our help. She refuses at breakfast, lunch, dinner, family prayer, personal prayer, famoween prayer--you name it, she doesn't want to say it.

I haven't pressed the issue. I feel like the desire to pray is as much a part of prayer as the words you say, and I want her to know real prayer, not just the rotary. So, we've taken the approach of giving her opportunities, and having her help us, telling her she is an example and needs to help us teach Sly, and just talking to her about when and where she can prayer (always and anywhere) and what she can pray about. If she says she doesn't want to say it, we very rarely make her say it.

I don't know when exactly prayer clicked in her mind and became her sincere desire. Maybe it was last night, when she heard her cousins say prayers on their own in front of the whole extended Fowler family. Maybe she had a lesson in nursery about praying. Maybe she saw me kneel down in the private of my room to break my fast and saw her father do the same, on his own, a few minutes later. Maybe it was a lot of little, quiet moments throughout the past year when she has seen and heard me say prayers at all times of the day, when I didn't even know she was listening or watching.

Last week, she hit three firsts in one 24-hour-period (and I hope she will forgive me, someday, the slight embarrassment of divulging what these three firsts were): sleeping in underwear for the first time, clogging the toilet for the first time, and saying a prayer on her own for the very first time. She was so proud of herself, and my heart was so full, it needed a bit of plunging in addition to the toilet.

Since then, she has said about one prayer a day on her own, sometimes needing help and sometimes not. Even with this recent progress, she blew me away today, when she said every.single.prayer on her own.

It started with breakfast. She asked me if she could say it and I told her of course. And for three full minutes, she talked to "Henly Fader."  And it wasn't just her usual "thank you for da day"--she asked Him to be present throughout our whole day--from asking for Daddy to be good at work to Sly smiling for his nine-month pictures to the bike ride we were going to take for famoween.

Lunch was a similar repeat, with extra blessings on Mom and Sly. Then she said the prayer for dinner, and thanked Heavenly Fader that Daddy could come home from work and we could be together. And then her prayer for family home evening, thanking Him for the bike ride and that we could have famoween and a testimony (the word she uses to describe our lessons) and Mom could make a treat.

After we finished reading the scriptures and Dad said he was going to say the family prayer before she went up to bed, she asked to say it instead. Who were we to stop her? She went on for five or six minutes. She got so involved in her conversation with Heavenly Fader, saying His name multiple times, that sometimes we would have to remind her with a word or a phrase to get her back on track. She blessed Mommy and Graham twice, forgot about Daddy (she'd later told us she prayed for him at breakfast, so it was okay), asked to be good for bedtime, and then.

And then she ended in the most tender way:
"And Henly Fader? I love Jesus. Amen."

Over the past few weeks, I have noticed more and more that she is paying attention. I hear words from my mouth come out of hers as she interacts with her brother and her baby dolls. I hear her asking to do the things I do. Today, as we were coloring, she opened a notebook and asked me if she could write in her journal, which is something she sees me do on a regular basis. She asks me to read her books and an hour later I come into the room to find her repeating similar words to whichever doll is settled squarely on her lap, as she points out part of the picture. She even tried putting her brother to bed today by giving him a binky and leaving the room. From her play makeup, to her projects, to her fake phone calls, all she wants is to do what I do. All day long.

I was flattered, and humbled, then, when I realized that of all the things that she knows are important to me, this is one that is truly important to her, too. And not just in a casual, repetitive way. In a way that she knows He hears her. She knows he will listen to anything she has to say. She knows He will help her whenever she needs Him to.

She knows because she watches.
And she knows I know, too.

In Summer

It feels like summer.

Have you noticed?

Nothing much changes for me from season to season. Scott's work and school schedule are the same. We don't have any fancy vacations planned, or even camping trips, or anything like that. Life is the same in June as it was in January--take care of the children, do the laundry, pick up the masses of toys, wait for Scott to come home from all he has going on so bedtime can commence (because both the sun and Kevin refuse to go to sleep before 9:00 pm).

Still, summer feels good to me.

It's the little things that make this time of year different, like waking up to kisses from the sun streaming in through my bedroom window, or leaving the windows open while the fans blow the fresh air around, or nightly walks around the block to wear Kevin out. It's flowers blooming in our yard (because the early warm temperatures followed by a day of frost and snow killed all of our spring plants) and getting my hands dirty from the constant weeds. It's the lawn needing to be mowed once a week and the sweet neighbor boy ringing my doorbell to ask if he wants us to do it for him, because he knows Scott is busy. It's the sounds of children playing up and down our street, and the smell of the neighbor's fire pit smoke wafting into our yard, and the sounds of hundreds of birds chattering to one another over our heads.

Someday, summer begin and end because of a school calendar.

For now, however, summer begins because my senses tell me it is here and to enjoy it while it lasts.