A Reminder

I love the feeling of being safe inside when a storm rages on outside. Even though we live on the second of three floors, the wind howls and the rain echos through our vents. Earlier this week we had a storm that I barely noticed--baby girl and I were safe inside with no plans of going out. She slept soundly in her room as I emailed back and forth with my husband while he was at work. It was a quiet, peaceful moment, when all of the sudden I heard what I can only describe as a radio/satellite/white noise/static alien noise coming from our laundry closet, where the furnace and some vents are.

Momentarily, I was terrified. And then I thought, "whoa! cool!" I didn't know sounds like that actually happened outside of tornado movies.

I'm no scientist and definitely no meteorologist, so I'm not sure how those sounds became trapped in the storm and somehow found their way into my living room. I picture the sound bytes getting caught up in a wind gust, swirled around, and suspended for a brief second in the air--long enough for me to hear--and then being swept off again.

Yesterday I was standing in the shower, trying to wash the tiredness out of my muscles as the day started, fighting the storms raging in my head, and another sound byte came into my mind and hovered there for a moment. It was the voice of my best friend Kim, who once gave me the best advice I ever needed.

"Rinda, you don't do failure."

Most days, I feel like I am failing. There is always something I'm not quite up-to-par on. Either I'm behind on the laundry, or the laundry is caught up but the floors aren't vacuumed. If the floors happen to be clean, chances are the bookshelves aren't dusted. And if there is no dust in sight, you can probably bet that dinner most likely isn't nutritious or ready by the time Scott gets home. And if dinner is ready, I'm probably not feeling up to eating it because I've overdone it for the day. If you want to see toddler tornados at their best, folks, come on over!

But you know what? I don't consider mounds of dirty laundry, unvacuumed floors, or mac-n-cheese dinners failure (unless it is the Hy-Top brand, which is mac-n-cheese failure at its finest. Yuck).

I consider them life.

In our church, our leaders have asked us to set aside Monday night for time together as a family. We do things that strengthen our relationships with each other and with Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father.  After a weekend of being spiritually renewed, uplifted, and motivated, Scott and I thought it would be a good time to sit down and revamp our goals for the year. We knew some of them had changed, but to be honest, neither of us had thought much about the goals we set for 2013 since about February. We read through our goals as a family. One had changed and two needed redefining. Scott read through his personal goals and said they were still the same, with an addition to apply for the MBA program. Kevin had also made progress on her goals to 1. Grow some teeth (she now has six), 2. Learn to walk (she can get around furniture by herself and is so close to taking off on her own) and 3. Learn 18 words (she still only knows "Daddy" but sometimes I think I hear her saying other things like "all done!" "MOOOM!" and "Papa"). They are both well on their way to 100% goal achievement this year.

And myself? So far the only goal I've even come close to is "learn a new skill" but somehow I don't think watching my mother-in-law make bread one time exactly cuts it. I haven't started writing that braided essay I was so jazzed about, and I don't think doing yoga two times in the past three months equals training for a 5k.  So I threw those goals out the window too.

Does this make me a failure?

How often do you set a goal that is the wrong one? I think these goals were the wrong ones for me. I don't think abandoning them makes me a quitter. I think it makes me wise...or at least that is what I would like it to mean. After all, "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail." I did the planning part. I just failed at making the right plans.

Have you ever gone back and read one of your old journal entries? Facebook posts? Blog posts? Does that person, maybe even the girl you were last week, seem different to you? Sometimes I read things I have written and I feel like some other person must have written that--surely not me. But that is the thing about being humans--we are constantly changing. And the girl I was last week, and the girl I was yesterday, and the woman I am today--they are not the same person. And that is on purpose.

Over the past few weeks, Scott and I have often watched Kevin playing, or listened to her babble, or admired her fast mobility and subsequently mourned the loss of our baby girl. Because she is so not a baby anymore. And though we miss that baby, and probably always will, we adore our little toddler. We enjoy getting to know her as she gets to know herself. And little by little each day as her hair grows longer and her teeth get bigger and her muscles get stronger, she becomes someone new.

I don't want myself to stay the same any more than I want Kevin to stay the same. I want to learn and grow as much as I want to see her learning and growing. Isn't that what life is all about? Becoming someone new, someone different, someone stronger each day?

The girl that set those goals in January knew what she wanted for this year. The girl that reset her goals in April knew that this year has not gone, nor will it continue to go as she'd planned. But that is okay. Because it will probably go better than planned. It usually does, when you put God in charge.

For example:

I can change a diaper while my daughter rolls and flails. That is a new and necessary skill I have needed this year.

I have written more in the past few months than I ever did last year. And what's more, I am writing in such a way that has led to reconnecting friendships long dormant. In my own little way, I am writing things that make a difference. That is better than any braided essay I ever wrote in school and only let my mom and husband read.

And I might not be training for a 5K (let's face it. I hate running. I always have. I always will). But occasionally I do yoga. And I take lots of walks with my family. And I've made plans to start walking with a friend. And I am making healthier choices, because I hope to be training for something more important than a 5K in the future, and it will take work to get there.

So thanks once again, Kim, for the reminder.

I don't do failure.