A Measure of Success

My morning started about a minute after the front door to our apartment shut and my husband went to work. I heard chattering coming from the next room. I glanced at the clock, listened to my daughter's conversing, and decided that maybe her dad hadn't left for work after all. Maybe he had done what he so often does and stayed just an extra minute or two to see if he could get her to go back to sleep. Knowing that if he hadn't already left, he needed to leave soon, I untangled myself from the blankets and my husband's pillow, which I almost always unconsciously hijack after he gets out of bed, and put on my glasses before quietly walking out of my bedroom and pausing outside her door. I cracked it open to see her laying on her back, a binky half in her mouth, talking to the pictures on her wall. Sure enough, Daddy was gone, and she was wide awake. Within minutes, we were back into the routine of dirty diapers, tropical toy storms, scrounging up something for breakfast, and this morning's dance party.

And in between the mess-making, breakfast-eating, tantrum-stopping, and day-starting, I took the time to read these two articles, shared by friends of mine on facebook:

http://powerofmoms.com/2013/10/becoming-supermom/

http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/10/09/youre-a-stay-at-home-mom-what-do-you-do-all-day/

Now, you don't need to catch up on these articles to read what I am about to say. You don't have to be a stay at home mom. You don't have to be a working mom. You don't have to be a working mom who is a part time stay-at-home mom or a stay-at-home mom who works on the side. You've probably already heard the debate, been part of the argument, chosen a side, or lamented that there even have to be sides at all.

Been there, done that.

You've heard about the "Mommy Guilt Trip." The Catch 22 paradox. It is that little bug Satan has planted that tells working moms they should be home and stay-at-home moms they should be working and those that are attempting to do both that they can't eat their cake and have it too. Something's got to give.

And, as in all of Satan's lies, I admit there is a shred of truth in what he says to us. No matter what we do or accomplish, it will never be enough.

So, I am going to make an attempt today to step away from Satan's "Mommy War" and focus on Heavenly Father's intentions for today's mothers. All of them.

That is, simply, that God wants us to be mothers. He wants us to bring children into this world into established families with a father and a mother. And when that isn't possible, he wants us to be parents anyway. He wants us to show our children love and teach them how to be resilient, hard-working, kind people.  God would like us to strengthen our families. He would like us to put forth our best effort, no matter our situation. 

This past weekend, members of my church gathered in Salt Lake City and across the world to participate in a General Conference, where for two days we listened to the voices of men and women that I believe are called of God to be leaders in our day. We listened to a Living Prophet. We heard from Twelve Apostles, called to do the same work that Peter and others were called to do when Christ walked the earth and first established his church. From them, we heard messages from God. Many of these messages addressed the growing struggle that families face in the world today. These inspired men and women didn't seek to tell us what we were doing wrong, but rather to applaud us for what we are doing right and warn us as to situations that are threatening our families today.  

As a stay-at-home mom, I appreciated the fact that many of these talks celebrated women who, like me, have chosen raising children as a profession. They did not ever, ever belittle working mothers. They simply made statements focusing on the importance of raising the rising generations, such as this one made by Apostle D. Todd Christofferson:

"A woman’s moral influence is nowhere more powerfully felt or more beneficially employed than in the home. There is no better setting for rearing the rising generation than the traditional family, where a father and a mother work in harmony to provide for, teach, and nurture their children. Where this ideal does not exist, people strive to duplicate its benefits as best they can in their particular circumstances." (emphasis added)

Sometimes, I feel that even though I am so "beneficially employed," I am also belittled for my choice to be a mother. Interesting, because 90% of the time when someone asks Scott what his wife does and he tells them I stay at home with our daughter, their reply is "Good for you!" because he makes it possible for me to make this choice day after day- my choice to stay at home is his choice also. When I am asked the same question ("What do you do?"), I only get that "Good for you!" response about 50% of the time. As to the other 50%, although friends, family members, acquaintances, and sometimes strangers are too polite to say it, I can see in their eyes that they question my choice or feel that my talents would be better used elsewhere. Even those who support my choice sometimes put pressure on me to find a side job that I can do from home or tell me I should study really hard so that I can get a perfect score on the GRE and get a full-ride scholarship to do grad school online. I simply shake my head at that, knowing myself enough to know that my energy levels can't even keep up with my toddler and at this time in my life her naptime is better used to refresh my waning strength by reading or sleeping (gasp! I don't even clean up the house. Shame on me.). There is no escape from the war, and sometimes the battle comes from those dearest to us. In my case, however, too often the Mommy War I am fighting is in my own head.

Sometimes I feel that even though my choice is a good one, there is no possible way for me to succeed. If I am going to be a stay-at-home mom and make this my life's work at this time, I need to have at least half a dozen children, right? And those children must always look adorable, behave correctly, sleep perfectly, and eat nutritiously, correct? At the moment, I have one child. She eats too much sugar and sodium and not enough vegetables. I don't even need to check a label to tell you that. She doesn't have a set sleeping schedule and she still wakes up during the night (though only occasionally, thank goodness). She is an Olympic athlete when it comes to tantrum-throwing and her speech development is behind. Some days I don't do her hair and I dress her in stained clothing because there is nothing more she could possibly do to ruin that outfit. Sometimes I let her wear sandals when it is cold outside because I don't want to fight the battle of getting her to wear more suitable shoes. Sometimes I let her cry in her bed for an hour before I realize she isn't going to take a nap. Sometimes she has to literally take my hand and pull me away from the computer, or book, or laundry pile. 

Sometimes she has to remind me who I am and what I am doing.

As a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I learned to measure my success by key indicators--numbers in certain categories that told me how hard my companion and I were working. There were only a few times on my mission where I was able to reach the key indicator goals that were set for me, and even then I always felt the pressure to be better and do more. It didn't seem to matter that those numbers were often based on other people's decisions to listen to and accept our message. Most of the time on my mission, I loathed key indicators. I didn't feel like they were a true measure of how hard I was working or how much success my companion and I experienced in our given area. Some areas were harder than others. Some people were prepared to hear the gospel, others weren't. I got tired of hearing over and over again that if we just had more faith, we could reach our goals. 

I had faith. I worked hard. I was obedient. I did everything asked of me and as much more as I could think of to possibly do. Sometimes, I just didn't measure up.

Here's the thing, though. That pressure I felt, it wasn't from Heavenly Father. It was from other people--other missionaries, sometimes other ward members, sometimes my leaders. I don't blame them--please don't misunderstand me. I have a deep love for all of those people. They taught me many things. But I have also come to understand that they were under the same pressure as I was. When I paused to step back and ask Heavenly Father what he thought of my work, I almost always felt a sense of peace and reassurance. In the times where that peace didn't come, God showed me ways where I could improve, and I used the Atonement of Jesus Christ to repent and do better.

Preach My Gospel,  the training and teaching manual for missionaries, clearly defines what makes a missionary successful in the very first chapter. I often wonder why I forgot these words so very often as a missionary.  Today, I wonder why I forget them as a mother.

This section included phrases like:

• "Your success as a missionary is measured primarily by your commitment..."
• "Avoid comparing yourself to other missionaries and measuring the outward results of your efforts against theirs."
• "Your responsibility is to teach clearly and powerfully so they can make a correct choice."
• "When you have done your very best, you may still experience disappointments, but you will not be disappointed in yourself."
• "You can feel certain that the Lord is pleased when you feel the Spirit working through you." (Preach My Gospel, pages 10-11)

Many times as a mother, I feel like I am being held to key indicators that measure how successful my mothering efforts truly are. I feel like there is some mathematical equation that goes something like (number of children) x (daily activities) x (cleanliness level of the home) x (husband satisfaction)= level of mommyhood success achieved.  Some days, I get a big fat zero because as anyone who passed second grade knows, anything multiplied by zero equals ZERO. So if I fail in one area, I fail in all of them. My "numbers" as a mommy certainly aren't good. 

But who, really, is counting? Nobody but me. If I fail to reach the "goals" that pinterest and society has set for me, then I really am not failing anything but my own warped expectations, which are certainly tainted by Satan's influence and impossible standards and comparing myself to others. 

So, from now on, I am going back to Heavenly Father's measurement of success, which isn't much different than the measures of success I often forgot to employ as a missionary. I am going to measure my success as a mother by my commitment to my children. I am going to avoid comparing the outward results of my efforts to those of other mothers. I am going to fulfill my responsibility to teach my daughter "clearly and powerfully" so that she is equipped to make correct choices on her own, even if sometimes my "powerful" teaching only results in her pointing at the correct person in the picture and in her little lisping voice saying, "Jeshush." I am going to do my very best and forgive myself on days when I don't quite measure up. I am going to use the Atonement of Jesus Christ to become better.

And I am going to stop asking what the world thinks of me and start asking what my Heavenly Father thinks of me.

I am quitting the "Mommy War."

Who is with me?