I Write so She Knows

Ahh, Thursday. We meet again.

I have lots of things on my mind today, mostly frustrating thoughts. Perhaps this is a bad practice, but I find that it takes a lot more effort to write about the negative things in my life, so I usually avoid recording them unless I have learned a particular lesson from that challenge/trial/mistake. I already wrote a whole intro to this post and it detailed just three of the things driving me nuts today...and after I read over it, it seemed so petty so I decided to delete it, start over, and get to the meat of the post today.

I thought I would share a quote I found last night while putting together a book for Scott's grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary (shh, its a surprise, but I don't think they'll somehow find this blog in the next two days). You know how sometimes you hear things, like maybe praise or a compliment, or when you are reading a parenting article and you think, "I am doing something right!"

That is how I felt when I read this little piece of advice from President Hinckley:

"To you women of today, who are old or young, may I suggest that you write, that you keep journals, that you express your thoughts on paper. Writing is a great discipline. It is a tremendous education effort. It will assist you in various ways, and you will bless the lives of many--now and in the years to come, as you put on paper some of your experiences and some of your musings."

I often hear remarks from friends and family about how much I blog (note, most of these remarks are positive, but occasionally my brother asks me if I can just do a cliff notes version). I know it might not seem like much to write a post once a week on this blog, but I try and keep our family blog current and sometimes it becomes over-detailed with experiences and pictures. I rarely know reactions to that blog. Maybe sometimes it makes people jealous or sad or angry because we seem to be getting blessings others aren't receiving. Maybe sometimes that blog makes me look like a mom who has it all together (which, for sure, I am not). Maybe sometimes it talks about how much time we get to spend with Kevin's grandparents when I have friends and family members that aren't as close in proximity and don't get the same opportunities.Maybe it shows us as a happy family with no problems.

We are a happy family, yes.

But we certainly have our fair share of problems!

I just wanted to get that out there.

I don't keep a blog to find out others reactions to it. I don't even do that for this blog! The reason I keep our family blog is that it is the easiest way for me to keep a journal of our day-to-day happenings. When I was in junior high and high school, I kept a pretty decent journal, and someday our children will find it funny when they read about their parents sixteen-year-old selves meeting. And because I loved reading my Dad's missionary journal, I made a goal to write in my journal every day of my mission. By the end of my mission I had five journals all filled up, plus mini-journals of each day in my planner (and somewhere in the middle of those journals are two pages detailing that inappropriate intermission kiss and its aftermath!). Sadly, once I got home, I failed miserably at keeping that up. I was in love and I was too busy planning and daydreaming and I got out of the habit.

And then, two and a half years ago, I had a job opportunity and one of the interview questions asked if I had a blog, so I created one. And slowly, as life began to pick up for us, I developed a habit of writing about my family. It was easy, actually, because I had been writing about my family since I was in the eighth grade. My family had just taken a different shape. I don't often get things down on paper, but I do get them down on screen. I don't think President Hinckley would mind my interpretation.

I love what he says about it being a "tremendous education effort." I've talked about education on this blog before. You all know it is important to me. Writing is one of the ways I've found to keep my mind going. I think when President Hinckley talks about it being an educational effort, he doesn't necessarily mean that it is an academic one. You see, writing, for me, has always been a tremendous effort toward educating myself about the world around me and who I am. You come to know yourself better when you write--because sometimes things end up in your paragraphs that you hadn't realized before. Sometimes it helps you see another's point of view better. Sometimes it helps you recognize the Lord's hand in your life when it seems He just wasn't listening. He is listening. He's always listening. And He's reading your journals, be they online or in paper, too. I kind of love the idea of Heavenly Father and Jesus following my blog. I think it would make them happy. At least I hope so!

This time in our lives is so precious to me, as a wife but especially as a mother. Kevin and I will never have this much one-on-one time again.

And you know what devastates me? Chances are she won't remember any of it.

She won't remember that we play with her farm together every day and that I taught her how to make Cinderella fly off the second floor by sliding the hay bail across. She won't remember that sometimes I sit by her in her bedroom while she plays alone just because she likes to have me near.  She won't remember that some days she begs for string cheese and I let her eat two instead of just one. She won't understand that from the very beginning she has had an amazing relationship with all four of her grandparents--she will come to understand that they have always and will always love her dearly, but she won't remember wagon rides with Grandpa Fowler and eating an extra helping of Grandma Fowler's treats and watching football with Grandma and how Papa literally drops everything when she is around just to play with her. She won't remember that Uncle Ben loves the way she pants to get something she wants and Uncle Flan never gets mad at her when she wakes him up in the morning and Auntie Liz taught her how to put her face in the water. She won't remember that she got to spend lots of time with her cousins on the Fowler side and her aunts and uncles were always willing to give her an extra love. She won't remember that every day when her daddy comes home she gets so excited to hear the key turn in the lock, she starts running in whatever direction she is facing and then she giggles and waits while her dad comes in, kisses me, and then chases her.

She won't remember what our days are like.
I'm afraid I won't either.
So I write it down.

I write it down and take pictures and put it on our family blog. I don't care that others can see it too--that was a lesson I learned on my mission, to let people, especially my family and close friends, share in my experiences. But even if nobody read it, I would still write it. Why? Because I want her to know that she is absolutely loved and always will be. I want her to know she did funny things that made us laugh. I want her to know that when she was 17 months old she started dancing because one day her dad wanted to show her mom Sara Barreilles' new music video "Brave" and when she saw the people dancing on the TV, she started moving her hands and feet too.

I keep a journal, a blog, because if I ever have to leave her early, if I don't get to be there for the rest of her growing up, I want her to know I love her. I want her to know, and I say it time and time again, that she is THE best job I've ever had and I wouldn't trade that for fame or wealth or travel or anything, anything else.

I write because I want her to know.