Because of Him

Our Sunday School teacher posed a thoughtful question in our class today: "how do you know when God is helping you through your trials?"

I have spent the last few hours contemplating the answer to this question. Of all the tender mercies I could name, of all the thoughts and feelings and answers to prayers I have experienced since the trial of bringing this baby to earth began, the answer that stands out most to me is that even when I feel very lonely, God has let me know that I am never alone. He sent one who understands.

He sent His son.

God has given me daily reminders of His son's miraculous atonement.

I remember a time, before ever having children, when I voiced some of my fears about becoming a mother to a woman whom I greatly admire and respect. At the time, she was pregnant with her fifth child. She listened to me for a while and then bore a sweet and simple testimony that I will never forget. She told me that becoming a mother and bringing children into the world gives you a very unique understanding of what Christ went through. When you have that personal understanding of His blood and his suffering and the rebirth that comes through Him, she taught me, then all of the pain and the sacrifice that a woman goes through to give birth to a baby becomes a sacred experience, and one she was grateful to have.

Over that next year, as I struggled to learn what she meant on a personal level as Scott and I added Kevin to our small family, I discovered that there was indeed a unique understanding of Christ's atonement that could only be found in childbearing, just the same as the unique understanding that came to me when I was diagnosed with diabetes and fought to have my body healed. In both instances, I found a refuge in Christ and learned to let Him succor me, because I knew He had experienced what I felt.

A few months ago, after one of my many emotional breakdowns associated with this second pregnancy, Scott gave me a blessing that reminded me of my friend's words. Since then, I have struggled for an understanding and a personal application of the atonement that doesn't come through pretty songs or art or scripture references. This time, I am allowing the Spirit to be my teacher and open my eyes to Christ's sacrifice for me.

Each day, I prick my finger four to six times to check my blood sugar levels. As I coax the red droplets from the tips of my fingers, I remember that while I shed one tiny drop at a time for my son, Christ shed many drops one time for me, a daughter. Physically, I know that it hurts to bleed from one pore, even when you draw blood willingly, and that a tenderness comes afterward to remind you of that momentary pain. Eventually, that tenderness turns to strength as the punctured skins heals and becomes stronger. The scars remain, but the pain leaves.

It seems a simple choice for me to make multiple times a day, and though I do not always do it willingly, I bleed for my son.

Christ's choice was not simple, but He made it willingly. He bled to give not just one of God's children a rebirth, but all of us.

On this Easter Sunday, as I feel new life move within me, I find myself, yet again, experiencing a new beginning through Christ.

#becauseofhim