Motherhood Monologues #4: Prepare

I feel as if I should put a disclaimer on here, and an apology to all those who get my posts emailed to them. Please don't feel you have to read every single one of these. I am mostly writing them to get me writing and putting them on my Thursday blog seems like the best way to store these thoughts. So feel free to delete and be on your way. Or read them. Whatevs.

I've always been a worrier, but lately I find myself worrying extra about my daughter.  As time moves forward and she gets further into preschool and the process of growing up, I am seeing more and more evidence of those lost eight weeks in my womb. As a baby, she moved through milestones at an average pace and after about nine months, you couldn't really even tell that she is a premie. Certain skills took her longer to master, like crawling and talking, but once the process clicked in her mind, she quickly mastered each task and moved on to a new one. I never overly worried about her. We narrowly escaped that "special needs family" label, and that's something to be grateful for.

Somehow, in my mind, that sort of equated to "we won't stuggle." But we have. And every experience, like every choice, has a consequence. Most days we don't even think about her time in the NICU, but those memories linger like shadows in her bedroom. And I worry, am I prepared to handle all of the challenges that will come as she moves forward in life? Can I, with my limited experiences, help her navigate the mountains she will have to climb? Will I ever gain the patience to deal adequately with her struggles? Has my life prepared me enough to be her mother?

Last weekend, as we were driving home, she started to get excited and said to me, "Mom! I didn't have any issues today!"

I laughed. She might be able to get through a day without issues, but her mother has them on a daily basis.

Worrying? It doesn't get me anywhere. I often tell myself that if I can take our days situation by situation, then we will be okay. Sometimes that means making a healthy choice for a snack when it would be easier to grab a cookie from the pantry. Sometimes that means ignoring the dirty bathroom in favor of reading Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? for the sixth time. Sometimes that means taking a deep breath and instead of angrily reacting to a meltdown, holding her close and whispering calming words of love and strength so we can get through today's challenges together.